Ummph! Martha Stewart Canceled, Again!

As you’re running around today preparing for the big day tomorrow, here’s a little silliness to give you a giggle.  Unfortunately, the source for this piece is unknown.

Stop, take a few deep breaths today and know this:  It doesn’t have to be perfect.  It doesn’t even have to be edible.  It just has to be about gathering together with the ones we care about and love.

Dear Family & Friends,

I know that you were eager to accept our family’s invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that Martha Stewart would be joining us. However, due to a scheduling conflict, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year.

Image from Martha Stewart

With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately.
Thank you…

1) Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2) Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, we included our dog in decorating by having him track in colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was his idea.

3) The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy China, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper SpongeBob dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection.

4) Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones. The artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

5 )We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our daughter will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure she will be happy to share every choice comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, her husband. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said husband had only remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00 AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

6) As an accompaniment to our daughter’s recital of these events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that we don’t own a recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore her. She’s only nine; what does she know?

7) A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

8)  There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that “passing the rolls” is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.

9) The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America , but it won’t be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress “private”, meaning Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful grandparents into the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat

10) For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the gravy by its lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile kindly and say that you know the answer, but it’s a secret that can’t be revealed to them until they are 18.

11) Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and dog tongue marks. You still have a choice: take it or leave it.

That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year.

Source unknown

See you tonight for Tablescape Thursday!

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    I love it!


  2. OH, too funny! What a great way to start the day. Thank you.

    Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

  3. Wendy @HerBallistic Garden says

    That was funny! I read it aloud to my husband! Kraft Cheese sauce? What? Hahaha!

  4. Yes, yes, yes, and yes — I can relate! Happy Thanksgiving, Susan!

  5. Inspire Me Heather says

    Oh gosh – that was too funny, thanks for the giggle!

  6. HA-HA! Thanks for a good reminder! I certainly feel better!


  7. Jennifer @ Town and Country Living says

    It's 6:30 am and this was a great post to read today before diving into Thanksgiving preparations. Thanks for the chuckle!

  8. Lady Courtney says

    LMAO!!! Thanks for the morning chuckle!!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

  9. That is good!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you!

  10. That's hilarious, and so very real, at least at my house. We're having 43 of my husband's family for lunch tomorrow – fortunately for me, they bring the food, we just provide the turkey and drinks … and rented tables … and folding chairs borrowed from the church … and 2,419 table decorations all made from previous year's "things." BTW, the reason Martha's not coming to your house is because she got a better invitation – she's coming to ours – when she called, she said she *loves* styrofoam 6-unit plates, er, trays. That woman knows when it's right, doesn't she?! Sorry, maybe you can have her next year 🙂


  11. If we celebrated thanksgiving that is the lunch I should like to attend…. I would feel very much at home!!!!! Happy thanksgiving from Oz!!

  12. Small Town Girl says

    Susan, Yes, I got a hearty laugh! This more closely resembles our Thanksgivings anyway! I will still take it with my family and loved ones over 'Martha's' perfect day any year! (I think, check with me tomorrow night, I may have carved a family member or two instead of the bird!) Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

  13. That is truly funny! Your post title had me giggling right away. Thanks for the laugh! Happy Thanksgiving!!

  14. Pattie @ On Hollyhock Farm says

    OMG! LMAO! HOLY COW! I love this.Lol! Thanks so much for sharing. 8^()

  15. I so wish I could be there–I would feel so at home!!! Martha has no idea what she's missing…

  16. Susan,
    That is priceless! Im so glad I read this today. I was just about to get up and start the baking ritual. I needed that laugh. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

  17. Just what I needed to start a busy day-a good laugh. Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.♥♫

  18. Kelly @ Hooked on Home Decor says

    I love this! Thanks for the chuckle!

  19. Nellie's Cozy place says

    Hi Susan,
    That is hysterical!

    Happy Thanksgiving hon,
    Blessings, nellie

  20. Oh my goodnesss… I'm sitting at work and I actually laughed out loud. My coworker looked at me like I was crazy. My work is just particularly funny today?

  21. Wonderful!!

  22. Just saw a link up to this from a Facebook friend. Thanks for the chuckles and Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you can stop by my place and visit, as well.

  23. Glenda/MidSouth says

    So cute!!
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

  24. giggling, holding my sides and the cat has now had his notion that I am looney confirmed.. Have a blessed happy thanksgivings.. xo marlis

  25. Designs By Pinky says

    OMGoodness, THANK YOU!!!! This is exactly what I needed right now, exactly. I am sick, am using paper plates and right now don't even care. Will concentrate on LOVE. See you tonight. XO

  26. Lou Cinda @ Tattered Hydrangeas says

    LOL!!!! My sentiments exactly!!!

    Wishing you a Wonderful Thanksgiving!

    Lou Cinda

  27. This will keep me smiling all day! Thanks, Susan and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

  28. Shenita @ Embellishments by SLR says

    This is hilarious!! She was on the Today Show; and I'm just thinking, "Really, now?" LOL!! This could not have been more perfect! Thanks so much for the laugh! Happy Thanksgiving!

  29. Hilarious!! I just read it out loud to my son, I was giggling so much. Thanks for sharing – I love it!

  30. How funny and how true!

  31. Tombstone Livestock says

    That's too funny, thank you for sharing Susan, reminds me of the time I blew up a pyrex glass pan in the oven, thank goodness the rest of the food was covered and nobody had shards of glass in their food.

  32. Hi Susan
    this is hilarious—we will enjoy reading it with the grandchildren tomorrow. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
    Lu Ann

  33. LOL Very cute!!

  34. Sweetladyelaine says

    This is too funny! I am sure this happens in some homes….nothing is Martha Stewart perfect! I keep remembering she has a staff! I do not! I am it…Have a blessed Thanksiving.

  35. Oh Susan… I needed a LAUGH… my oven decided to DIE on me yesterday… perfect timing!!!!
    Hope your Turkey Day has special family memories..

  36. The Old Block House says

    This is THE BEST Thanksgiving post I have read!

    (I'm still giggling)

  37. Thanks for the smile that is now plastered on my face. Happy Thanksgiving to all.
    Beckie in Brentwood, TN

  38. Bella Vista says

    Susan, this is utterly delightful!!!!


  39. Love it! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

  40. Awesome! I sent to numerous friends. Remember, it is not important what is on the table, but who is around the table. Happy Thanksgiving. ~CJ

  41. Too funny! Ü
    Happy Thanksgiving, Susan!

  42. Thanks for the funny reality check! Have a wonderful Thansgiving!

    Robin Flies South

  43. mississippi artist says

    I will still be laughing at this on Christmas. TOO FUNNY!!But oh so true in most households!

  44. ~Tablescapes By Diane~ says

    Hi lovely lady.
    I love It……
    I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with your family.
    XXOO Diane

  45. FABBY'S LIVING says

    Oh Susan you sure cracked me up! Such fun post, lol!
    Happy Thanksgiving lovely lady for you and yours…enjoy every minute!

  46. Heaven's Walk says

    Hilarious, Susan! I'm reading this one at dinner tomorrow!!! lol!

    Have a blessed day!

    xoxo laurie

  47. Nann from At Nann's Table says

    Hi Susan….I had to laugh as I put the Martha Stewart story on my blog yesterday. It was emailed to me and I laughed until I cried. So I had to share it too. Just too funny!!

    Looking forward to Tablescape Thursday. Hope to join you this time.

  48. LOL ..loved it! Your house is my choice… the portion where the family dogs helps decorate with fall leaves …. tooo funny!
    Hope your Thanksgiving was all it could be …even w/out Ms. M.Stewart!

  49. Eileen @ Cottage Beach House says

    Hysterical Susan, Thanks so much for the laughs. I love the beginning about the illuminated bags! I never had much luck with them. As well as the leaves and mud,courtesy of the dog. Adorable.

  50. at the cottage says

    laffs………….!!!!!!! laughing so hard, tears rolling down cheek, need a tissue, tummy hurts…hahahahahahahahah

  51. ❁Velma ~Down Our Country Road❁ says

    Oh my gosh, that was funny!! The best thing to do when a well-planned event does not come about as one hoped…LAUGH!!! The world isn't going to come to an end, is it?
    Thankfully, our holiday dinner did not include any of the above! LOL

  52. Even if Martha shows up, things will be the same!

  53. Jessa Irene says

    Oh, now, really? I thought Martha LIVED at your home. AND if she canceled on you what hope do the rest of us have??? 😉

  54. Hysterical. Read most of the aloud to my husband. Deserves repeating in the future.

  55. pam ~ crumpety cottage says

    Haha, hilarious. 😀 I particularly like #s 4, 5, and 6. Heehee.

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